Mixed message on anti-bullying in schools

Immediately after showing middle-school students a new video from the Cartoon Network that admonishes children not to call people names like “stupid,” “fat,” and “jerk,” Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius told the students they could do a lot of good by saying "you're being a jerk" to someone bullying.

How passive aggressive is that?- "I didn't call him a jerk, I said he was acting like a jerk." This is the behavior that some people on TOS get away with from moderators.

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I've been asked for a few years now to do an anti-bullying assembly program for schools, but for a long time I didn't really feel inspired about a good approach to take with that. I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the subject, by any means, and different approaches might have some positive results, but after reading a lot of different things, the general method that resonates best with me now is that of Izzy Kalman . In a nutshell, it teaches kids how to reduce/remove the effect of bullying, and remove the power of the bullies themselves, by not getting upset by it and by being nice in return. It seems kind of counter-intuitive, but in essence the best way to make bullying stop is to not try to make it stop. Hard to do at first, no doubt, and you may have to learn to fake it to begin with, but it serves the multiple purposes of not getting yourself upset, not creating further trouble for you and the bully (bullies love it when you get them in trouble, and they totally leave you alone after that, right??), and deflating the intended effect of the bully (they get off from your negative reaction).

And sometimes, your feeling that you are being bullied may be misleading, anyway, or you take it to a place of offense that is totally unnecessary. For example, if you just got a haircut and a good friend of yours comes up to you and says, sarcastically, "nice hair," you would probably laugh it off and say, "yeah, whatever." You don't really care, and you know they're still your friend. But if a stranger says that, suddenly you're offended? So what... shrug it off. Basically, we all need to lighten the hell up and learn to not be offended so much. That definitely goes for adults, too. And in those cases, it's not really the bully that's the problem, it's the kid and the way they react... there are fat, dumb, ugly, glasses-wearing kids who are happy and well-adjusted and grow up to be successful, who have friends and who aren't bullied for those things. The difference is how they felt and how they reacted when people made fun of them, and how they carried themselves to begin with. A kid can be all kinds of goofy and awkward and nerdy and still be super-confident, and that resonates in a way that kind of repels bully attacks before they start. They don't take themselves so seriously and they have a sense of humor about themselves. Granted, in cases of physical abuse/bullying, that can't be ignored in the same way, but much of the verbal bullying (which is a lot of what the current bullying focus is on) can be reduced greatly by reacting with humor and in a positive way, not by saying things like "you're being a jerk."

This method absolutely flies in the face of a lot of the current anti-bullying rhetoric and discussion that's out there, but to me it just makes so much sense, so that's what we've been teaching our girls and what I'll be promoting in schools next year.

Grudz -- have you seen the movie Bully. We just saw it at a film festival and thought it what was quite good. Should be mandatory viewing for school children, although there is some ridiculous dustup with an R rating because of a few curse words.

Everything else you said, I couldn't agree more. Spot on.

No, I've heard about that film but didn't realize it was out yet. I've been curious to see where they go with that. I'll definitely check it out first chance I get. What would you say was the take-home idea(s) from that about how to deal with bullying?

Like I said before, there may be different approaches that have some positive effect, but all I know is when I read about the Izzy Kalman method it definitely had the light bulb over the head effect for me and my wife (and she was a steady victim of bullying growing up). Sadly, from what I hear from a lot of schools, the systems they have in place which are meant to encourage kids to tattle on bullies for every little thing, and to react back in ways that indicate they are upset ("you're being a jerk!"), often have the opposite intended effect which creates more bullying. So if nothing else, I'm providing my program as an alternative thing for schools/students to consider. Regardless, it's a very difficult subject, and I'm having a hard time getting the right tone that's comedic and entertaining enough but still carries the weight it needs to.

I think we saw the first screening -- the mom of one of the children who had committed suicide was there, quite moving.

There isn't a message directly for kids -- I think it would be good for them to see because I am sure that it would make them realize how painful bullying can be. Of course, for others, I think that they will probably make light of the bullying. For kids, I think what you are saying would be the most effective. It always worked quite well for me to deflect bullying.

For adults, I think the film should be quite eye-opening. It basically shows how important it is for parents to be involved as it seems that bullying without parents at least knowing, bullying can be quite isolating. It also shows the ineptitude of a couple of school administrations (not teachers) in dealing with the problem.

Ah, okay. So it's more focused towards adults. Well yeah, how parents and teachers teach kids to react (or not) to bullying can make a big difference. And most kids who are bullied probably don't want to talk about it to anyone, so their parents don't even know it's even happening for a long time.

When the Columbine massacre news broke I was stupified. I knew that my mentality after being excessivly bullied in school was close to what theirs became and I was horrified that I could identify some of myself in these awful human beings. I don't think I ever would have accomplised what they did but if I had a friend who felt similar and was pushy... who knows? I like to think it would still be impossible but I couldn't shake the feeling that I knew these kids somehow.

Bullying sucks, it's the cause of most ism's people bitch about. It's not racism, homophobia, sexism.. or any of that shit it's just shitty attitudes in general and the anti-bullying campaign swings such a large bat at the problem I can't help but admire it a little bit.

I just don't think there is any one right way to deal with or present the topic to children. The reasons why people bully or allow themselves to be put in these situations is different from person to person. Dialogue will help but kids will lie and without guidance react in all kinds of odd ways completly counter to their bullying seminars depending on the extent of the bullying and who's around.

I once teased a bully about his dead dad in hopes he would cry and leave me alone. I know it's awful now but it's hard to tell those things with fists bearing down on you and desperation rearing it's ugly head to offer you an out. My method worked, but I don't reccomend it obviously. It's possible to broach the subject, educate etc... but unfortunately I think it is very much an individual case by case thing. I never found any one technique that worked for me because sometimes the bullies were nice guys but then they'd have some beer or their girlfriend wouldn't be around or... Who knows what sets them off? The problem is real and I like that the line of dialogue is open about it but I haven't seen a method I believe in.

Who was it that wrote that blog/article on the fort about how his/her kid was able to defeat and frustrate a bully by treating it like a game? I'm thinking Sag or Uba. Brilliant story.

My spawn, a freshman in highschool, comes home from school this Thursday and tells me they had an assembly at school and speaker was talking about Cyber Bullying. My spawn said she couldn't take the PA department of education speaker serious because he was pretty clueless about todays digital world. He kept on talking about Myspace which nobody in highschool uses. Then he was talking about "trailing" people's posts rather than trolling. Than he finished up by giving his @aol email address. The anti-bullying message is pretty imporant but it's also pretty easy for people to frak up.

Don't call someone a jerk, unless they are a jerk.

I'm a little worried about my oldest daughter. She is 10 and will be 11 in two months. She has a growth hormone deficiency, which isn't TOO bad, just she will probably never grow over 4'11''. She will likely ALWAYS be the littlest\shortest kid in class. Right now it's all good, but high school could be another story.

Sometimes when you're bullying, you hardly know you're doing it. It's not all beating up kids for their lunch money. It's the cold shoulders, not inviting for parties, nasty rumours and the laughing as well.

It doesn't help to have bullied kids telling their tragic stories. It doesn't even help being told off by a teacher. You know what you're doing is wrong. What the world needs is people (role models) admitting they were bullies and admitting it was wrong.

I was a bully. It was wrong, and I am sorry.

QPCloudy wrote: Don't call someone a jerk, unless they are a jerk.

The problem is, that nobody thinks they're a jerk (even if they are), so telling them that doesn't help, and it creates more conflict and gives the bully the negative reaction they were hoping for. But people have an inborn sort of reaction when people are always nice to them, that they have a hard time continually being mean. Think about it... if a kid is calling another kid names and that other kid starts crying and jumping up and down and making a big stink, that's incredibly entertaining. That makes the bully want to keep doing it. But if the other kid just smiles and says, "you're funny" or something that seems complimentary or nice in return, that creates a weird effect for the original kid... "I expected them to get all upset and they didn't. Whatever..." What's more likely to lead to more conflict? It ain't easy to do, and it seems counter to our nature for revenge and retribution, but being nice in response to bullies can be incredibly effective.

I'm a little worried about my oldest daughter. She is 10 and will be 11 in two months. She has a growth hormone deficiency, which isn't TOO bad, just she will probably never grow over 4'11''. She will likely ALWAYS be the littlest\shortest kid in class. Right now it's all good, but high school could be another story.

That's the same thing with my 9 yo. We've been trying to have her come up with some jokes to come back with if people call her short. Not jokes at the expense of the other person, but jokes that show that she's okay with being short. She kind of actually owns her shortness, if that makes sense. She takes some pride in being different in that way. Maybe that would help?

There's also the old Serenity Prayer to think about with kids who have certain issues... Can you do anything about being short? No. So accept it. What can you change? How you feel about being short, and how you react if people call you short. You always have the power.

A major component of school bullying to address are the 'laugh-along' kids. Most people think bullying in physical terms. Another type of bullying is making fun of a kid. Often this happens in front of other kids who aren't actually making fun of the kid, but are enjoying and laughing along.

This has to be something addressed as much as the kid who is directly making fun of someone.

I was made fun of in elementary school thru middle school. I was picked on for my accent & my ears. I didn't grow up in an English speaking household so had a rough kindergarten & first couple grades adjusting (didn't have a tv until I was 10, so no Sesame Street). I was called out on my 'foreign-ness'. In middle school the rough part was at the beginning of class before the teacher arrived in the room where certain kids would walk by me seated and flick my ears.

The kids not actually doing this but laughing along were just as guilty of bullying in my eyes. I reached my breaking point when one kid who always laughed the loudest, but never flicked walked by to attempt it himself. For the 1st time in my life I got up aggressively and chased him around the room until the teacher came into the room to start class & settled things down.

I never was in a fight in my life, but on the flip side I never realized how physically big I had become in middle school until I got up & showed this aggressiveness and realized I could take care of myself if I had to. I wasn't picked on from that day. Not everyone can conquer being picked on like this, but the point are those 'laugh-along' kids are just as guilty.

I don't have experience being bullied myself, but my brother was on several occasions. We went to three different high schools, and at each one the same scenario played out.

He was a football player, but all his friends were geeks and nerds. So, while new he'd get picked on (usually in the cafeteria or after school) by some other jock. In each case he would go with the flow until he was physically touched (ice/pencils thrown at him, pushed, etc), then he would hurt the kid. Bad. After that he would never be picked on again and sailing was smooth.

I'm not saying we should all resort to violence, but a person has a right to defend themselves.