What POSITIVE CHANGES are you making in your life?

ChristopherMD wrote: 4 months later, with no one here making positive changes,

I got a set of harmonicas and have been noodling around on those. They are fun.

After 18 years of ups and downs, my ex left me in July of 2021. We quarantined apart during the first year of the pandemic, and she went silent for a few months after that the anniversary of lockdown, so I saw the end coming and decided to immediately jump back into dating. Since then, I have had 21 first dates, and 6 women that I saw anywhere from two dates to a few months. I'm picky about who I see, and the women are often much pickier. Of the six women that I saw for a while, the first two were a waste of time, the next three were promising but there was a dealbreaker issue. For example, one shared strong chemistry and compatibility with me, but was completely obsessed with international travel.

I met the sixth woman a month ago. A week of frequent messaging led to an amazing first date. There are popular guidelines about what you shouldn't talk about on a first date (religion, politics, exes, past traumas, etc.) and we violated all of them. An innocent bystander would have guessed that we were old friends who hadn't see each other for a few years. Then we decided to date exclusively and hid our dating profiles on the site. For our second date, she invited me over to her place and cooked a nice dinner for us. There was also a vast amount of texting going on after we left the site. One night, we both had insomnia and sent each other photos of poems we had written in the past. For 24 magical days, I was extremely happy.

In the end, it didn't work out. She was looking for many of the qualities that I have and had been disappointed with the other guys she had recently dated, so she really tried to make it work with me. But she never felt any chemistry with me, just friendly compatibility, and by our final date, she didn't think it would be possible for her to ever feel chemistry with me. The biggest issue was that it had only been a year since her divorce, and so probably too soon for her to feel chemistry with anybody yet. The marriage was very dysfunctional, featuring numerous occasions when her ex cheated, but they were together for over 20 years. Anyway, she let me down very gently and she hopes that we can actually stay friends. I told her that I wanted that as well, but should probably stay away long enough to get over my feelings for her. I could use a new actual friend, but not if I feel like some pathetic optimist in the friend zone.

Positive changes? I have already plunged back into the dating pool and have a date lined up for this weekend. And in a couple of months, I plan to contact the woman from December to renew the friendship. I really miss the amazing conversations, and I feel like my social skills actually improved last month. Also, she has single friends that I might meet. And maybe she will eventually get interested in me, but I don't expect or even hope for that. Besides, I really need to broaden my circle of friends, as zero of my local gaming friends showed up for a boardgame event at my house yesterday. When I first moved to Minnesota, I found it surprisingly difficult to make new friends, except for people who shared my gaming interests. But if I am really honest with myself, most of those gaming friends are people that I only see when we play games. Making some non-gamer friends is the positive change that I seek to make in my life. Uh, no offense to any of you gamers.

I really enjoyed reading these dating stories--not being sarcastic. You're a good writer.

I recently visited a psychologist four times in order to get diagnosed for ADHD and Autism. I had been diagnosed with ADHD in the past, but after seven years they shred their records. This guy was pretty thorough and at the end of the testing he said that I didn't have ADHD or Autism at the level of a disorder, and that it was a really tricky diagnosis and he had to talk to a colleague about it. So he eventually said that I had adhd tendencies and some strong autistic cognitive areas. I was sort of confused by the whole thing. One interesting factor was that when I took the computerized impulse test, I scored in the 60th percentile, whereas I remember failing that test when I was diagnosed over 15 years ago. This time around I was totally in the zone, to the point where I felt like I could feel the algorithm the machine was using and sort of anticipate what was going to happen, to a small degree.

He also thinks I may have inflated some of my responses, based on taking too many online tests in the past. At one. point he told me, "I'm kind of odd, I see ADHD as a superpower" at which point his credibility dropped about 300 percent.

I suspect I have something neurodivergent going on, based on decades of firsthand experience, but that over time I have learned to compensate for it to a degree, and that the effort of that performative compensation is contributing in part to the moderate generalized anxiety, depression and anhedonia that showed up in the tests.

I can probably still wave the results around and get a free national park pass, however.

Happy Dry January!

dysjunct wrote: Happy Dry January!

lol no

dysjunct wrote:

ChristopherMD wrote: 4 months later, with no one here making positive changes,

I got a set of harmonicas and have been noodling around on those. They are fun.

As someone who enjoys buying musical instruments and then not playing them, I would like to hear more about this!

My psychologist wrote that although I have many symptoms of ADHD and ASD, they do not rise to the level of disability and he cannot guarantee they are caused by ADHD and ASD. So, all of the hassles of what sure looks like neurodivergence, but I occupy limbo. And maybe it's just anxiety and insomnia.

I'm still going to fill my sustained release amphetamine prescription because I write about 3x as much and it boosts my mood.

I'm sure there will be no negative consequences to this.

Cranberries wrote:

dysjunct wrote:

ChristopherMD wrote: 4 months later, with no one here making positive changes,

I got a set of harmonicas and have been noodling around on those. They are fun.

As someone who enjoys buying musical instruments and then not playing them, I would like to hear more about this!

Harmonica has been a bit of a challenge for me to take beyond the goofing off level. The set I got has one for each major key (ABCDEFG). The idea is that for a particular song, you get out the appropriately-keyed harmonica, and then the notes on the harmonica will sound good with the song. A talented player can make them work in other keys, and some genres use off-keyed harmonicas, e.g. blues in G will use a C-harp.

I am held back by my extremely hazy knowledge of music theory and also general laziness. I should probably get a self-teaching book or something.

I also got a rubboard (like a washboard but without the wooden frame; easy to play, but loud and not very useful without others).

My go-to remains the baritone ukulele, which is extremely easy and fun to play. I have large hands, and the regular ukulele is difficult for me to play certain chords on due to the close spacing on the frets. Bari-uke is larger, and has a sweeter and lower tone, but is just as easy to play. If I hear a song that sounds fun, it is trivial to search “$song_name chords” and learn it. Currently I am tormenting my family with my rendition of “Stacy’s Mom.”

Duolingo came out with a music theory course that is so far very easy. It is mostly on reading music, which I need to learn. My next major project is learning the notes on a bass fretboard.

dysjunct wrote:
My go-to remains the baritone ukulele, which is extremely easy and fun to play. I have large hands, and the regular ukulele is difficult for me to play certain chords on due to the close spacing on the frets. Bari-uke is larger, and has a sweeter and lower tone, but is just as easy to play. If I hear a song that sounds fun, it is trivial to search “$song_name chords” and learn it. Currently I am tormenting my family with my rendition of “Stacy’s Mom.”

Duolingo came out with a music theory course that is so far very easy. It is mostly on reading music, which I need to learn. My next major project is learning the notes on a bass fretboard.

I've got a Guitalele, which is closely related to the bari-uke, and they are the best.

I was crushed when Adam Schlesinger died in the early days of Covid. Lately I can't get "All Kinds of Time" out of my head, and it feels especially poignant in light of his passing. I also heard from a doctor that the smattering of cancer cells they found in my prostate could just sit there and do nothing until I'm in my eighties. My neighbor had prostate cancer and I can vividly remember my son and I adjusting him in his bed, where he had moved from the chair in the front room because he wanted to sleep with his wife, but in hindsight I realized years later (like five minutes ago) that he knew the pneumonia would take him. Later the hospice nurse told his wife, "you go take a shower and I'll give him a shot of morphine and he'll be gone when you get out"

I am experiencing Duolingo shame right now because I have been telling my Hispanic friends at the thrift store that I'm going to practice and learn something besides "Comesta"



The clock's running down
The team's losing ground
To the opposing defense
The young quarterback
Waits for the snap
When suddenly it all starts to make sense

He's got all kinds of time
He's got all kinds of time
All kinds of time
He's got all kinds of time
All kinds of time

He takes a step back
He's under attack
But he knows that no one can touch him now
He seems so at ease
A strange inner peace
Is all that he's feeling somehow

He thinks of his mother
He thinks of his bride to be
He thinks of his father
His two younger brothers
Gathered around the widescreen TV

He looks to the left
He looks to the right
And there in a golden ray of light
Is his open man
Just like he planned
The whole world is his tonight

He's got all kinds of time
He's got all kinds of time
All kinds of time
He's got all kinds of time
All kinds of time

I got a planner, with room to journal. Haven't used that second part yet, but hopefully I'll get more organized.

The woman that I dated in December was really looking forward to seeing my house, but she is allergic to cats. Since I have two cats, I purchased a big HEPA filter and did a major housecleaning. For example, I vacuumed all of my curtains, which have been gathering dust since I bought my house in 2011. By the time I had the house clean enough for her to visit, we stopped dating. But I noticed that I was sleeping better and no longer waking up with a stuffed up nose, so it seems that I might also have a slight allergy to cats. Or more likely it was my lifelong allergy to dust acting up. Anyway, I have decided to keep up with a regular cleaning schedule from here on out. Maybe the next woman I date will have allergies. Also, the woman that I dated in December may still end up visiting at some point, as we have decided to try out a real friendship.

dysjunct wrote: I lived in Santa Cruz (and Aptos) for a while. A nice place, although I can’t imagine what housing is like there now. Stupid NIMBYs were ruining everything even two decades ago.

I lived in Aptos for 3 years growing up. Like maybe 1986-89ish. Maybe a hair earlier. My mom opened a restaurant at Deer Park.

I'm taking 5mg of lithium orotate every day or so for my mood swings and anxiety. It's basically microdosing.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35236261/

Apparently it is good for all kinds of things. In countries with naturally high levels in the water, suicide rates are measurably lower.

Lithium is most well-known for its mood-stabilizing effects in the treatment of bipolar disorder. Due to its narrow therapeutic window (0.5-1.2 mM serum concentration), there is a stigma associated with lithium treatment and the adverse effects that can occur at therapeutic doses. However, several studies have indicated that doses of lithium under the predetermined therapeutic dose used in bipolar disorder treatment may have beneficial effects not only in the brain but across the body. Currently, literature shows that low-dose lithium (≤0.5 mM) may be beneficial for cardiovascular, musculoskeletal, metabolic, and cognitive function, as well as inflammatory and antioxidant processes of the aging body. There is also some evidence of low-dose lithium exerting a similar and sometimes synergistic effect on these systems. This review summarizes these findings with a focus on low-dose lithium's potential benefits on the aging process and age-related diseases of these systems, such as cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis, sarcopenia, obesity and type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer's disease, and the chronic low-grade inflammatory state known as inflammaging.

My next major project is learning the notes on a bass fretboard.

I have learned most of the notes on the bass fretboard. Up through the first ten or so frets. I can play the major and minor scales for each key and can (slowly) identify the notes in the major triads, sevenths, and augmented/diminished chords. (You do not typically play chords on bass, but if you know what notes are in the chords then you can sound good accompanying other instruments.)

I was blitzing through the Duolingo music app, but that is focused on learning the treble clef for keyboard. It was not helpful for bass, so I stopped.

But I have a secret weapon:

My father-in-law (retired music teacher) went through all the phases of liking increasingly unlistenable art music (free jazz, modern compositions for orchestra) but eventually realized he just likes tunes, specifically the old show tunes from Tin Pan Alley, which have generally become "jazz standards." They are often very catchy and singable, but also are musically interesting for someone with his background; e.g. they don't follow the typical chord progression of pop/rock songs, but will go through weird flats/sharps (or whatever) and still sound great.

I have had a bass ukulele for a while (maybe I've mentioned this) and he talked me into finding an amp so I could play bass while he sings and plays piano. I might eventually sing too, once I feel more comfortable on the bass, but for right now I'm challenged enough just to keep up.

If anyone is struggling to learn the nuts and bolts of music, beyond just the "plunking chords around a campfire" level, I strongly recommend marrying into a family with a music teacher who wants to play music with you and will patiently go over what everything means, why it is that way instead of some other way, and what the best way is to learn and practice.

Right now we are working on:
- Blue Moon
- Give Me a Kiss to Build a Dream On
- Satin Doll
- All of Me
- Mercy, Mercy, Mercy

It's been a very fun experience. We might add a trumpet player in a bit.

After living abroad for about six years, my wife and I made the decision to move back to the US full-time in June this year. We haven't nailed down precisely where we will live yet, but we do have a very good idea and some very promising prospects for where we'll land.

It was a long time coming, honestly. I have really struggled with my (lack of) job description here in Kenya, and we hit a point where a very big change was necessary. There are a lot of other issues that rattling around there, many of them spiritual and interpersonal and not really something I feel like sharing here. Suffice to say the last couple years have been really difficult and lonely. I also was diagnosed with ADHD last year, which explained a lot of experiences I had over the last couple years.

We really tried to see if we could get another assignment in another country, because we have enjoyed living abroad. But when it came down to it we didn't feel like we could do that to our kids and still give them the stability we want to as they enter their teenage years. So back to the US we go. It's a difficult change, but a very positive one on balance.

In a somewhat less heavy change, my wife and I have been participating in a choir in Nairobi that sings a lot of really interesting classical pieces. In about a month we are performing Haydn's "The Creation" and Shubert's "Mass in G Major." I actually am part of a small ensemble for the latter, as the tenor in the Benedictus. We both really love choral singing and it has been a real joy to participate in it, especially with a lot of other things being tough these days.

Shellhead wrote: The woman that I dated in December was really looking forward to seeing my house, but she is allergic to cats. Since I have two cats, I purchased a big HEPA filter and did a major housecleaning. For example, I vacuumed all of my curtains, which have been gathering dust since I bought my house in 2011. By the time I had the house clean enough for her to visit, we stopped dating. But I noticed that I was sleeping better and no longer waking up with a stuffed up nose, so it seems that I might also have a slight allergy to cats. Or more likely it was my lifelong allergy to dust acting up. Anyway, I have decided to keep up with a regular cleaning schedule from here on out. Maybe the next woman I date will have allergies. Also, the woman that I dated in December may still end up visiting at some point, as we have decided to try out a real friendship.

Six weeks ago, I reached out to the woman that I dated in December. She did some more dating after we fell out of touch, and finally realized that she wasn't finding chemistry with anybody, just anxiety. So she decided to stop dating anybody for now. In the same text message, she said goodbye to me in a very nice way, then blocked my number. A week later, the day before Valentine's Day, I paid a local florist to deliver a living succulent plant to her workplace. I chose to stay anonymous, and chose to merely say "thank you" on the card, so she might think the card was from a happy customer. I just wanted her to have a nice thing sitting on her desk when Valentine's Day hit, so she wouldn't feel completely sad that day, and without the stress of feeling like she had a stalker problem. I don't see the point to stalking, it just seems like a way to make a rejection last longer and feel even worse.

A week later, I found myself scheduling dates with a half dozen women. One canceled before our first date because she already met someone special. Three women weren't interested in a second date. One dated me for more than three weeks before calling things off because we live 22 miles away from each other. The sixth woman is someone that I went out with a couple of times last summer before she lost interest, but she seems more interested now, ever since I reached out to her last month. We have been on a couple of dates recently, but haven't defined whether we are dating or just hanging out as friends. At any rate, I have been rejected by several quality women in the last six months, so I feel like I have learned a lot from dating these last two years, and may find someone special soon.